Black Friday Fitness Tips – Revisited from last year’s Holiday Challenge
Those of you brave enough to tackle the shopping mall on Black Friday will find ample opportunity to improve your fitness level.
Here’s a few suggestions.
1) Find a parking spot located farthest from the food court. If it makes your kids scream, “Can we get a cab from here Mom?”, then you know that you’ve found the perfect spot.
2) Seek out the hidden stairs and climb them unless they smell like urine and the lights bulbs are missing, then don’t. You don’t want to be forced to run for your life. Be reasonable, shopping is supposed to be fun. Right?
3) Practice your football moves on the kiosks barkers. “Hey unsuspecting mall shopper, got a minute?” If you hear them coming, begin evasive moves, stat. You don’t need another cell phone case with sequined skull and crossbones or hair extensions that look like rodents. You just don’t!
And what’s with the Dead Sea Anti-aging, Anti-oxidant, Anti-wrinkle Face Regenerating Serum being sold by the gum chewing 12 year old? “But ma’am it’s from the Dead Sea, get it?” Block and pivot. “LADY, YOU SERIOUSLY NEED THIS!” Keep moving and avoid desperate urge to tackle.
4) Do you even know how many calories you can burn wrestling with a bargain savvy senior who also wants the last size XL glow in the dark Hello Kitty footie pajamas? A lot, just saying, hold your ground, she’ll eventually cave.
5) Carry your own bags and do 10 biceps curls every time you see red. Ignore the stares. People are just jealous of your muscles.
6) Need strength training? Buy power tools for your Mother-in-law, she secretly wants a chain saw, and carry them all day. Has she forgiven you for taking her son from her? Ok, maybe not something sharp.
7) Do triceps dips while your teen tries on every frigging %#%# party dress in the mall, twice.
8) Do 10 jumping jacks every time your husband asks, “Are we done yet?”
9) Moon walk past every Cinn-a-million-calorie-Bon, Mrs. Anyone’s Cookies, and the scary clowns at The Coney Island, where you can eat a deep fried hot dog on a stick, as if hot dogs alone weren’t a nutritional nightmare. “Do you want fried cheese in gravy with that?” Put down the stick and dance away.
10) Burn a few calories by tormenting the Starbuck’s barista with a ridiculously complicated order. “I’ll take a Skinny 2 pump banana flavor, 1/2 caff, 1/2 decaf, 3/4 soy and 1/2 1% organic milk vente latte with whip in the original white cup, not the satanic red and green anti-Christmas cup.” Yes, everyone in line does hate you when you do this.
11) Wander aimlessly through every parking lot, preferably in the dark because fear burns more calories, while you try to find your car because you’ve been in the mall for what feels like 3 days and you’re hangry because you avoided all fast junk food and never stopped for the salad you meant to have at lunch because you were dodging kiosks, wrangling your family and doing hand to hand combat with other bargain shoppers.
Good workout Mon’Amie
P.S. Family and friends, there’s a little arrow on Facebook that let’s you SHARE my hilarious posts not just LIKE it. I know you like me, thank you, but when you share then other people get to like me too. Think of it as a little Christmas gift for moi.